A Long Time Coming

So much has happened over the last several months as far as my healthy lifestyle goes that I don't know where to begin for today's entry.

First, let me get off my chest that I allowed my food addiction/compulsive overeating to take over so completely that I gained almost 30 lbs. over the last several months. I quit running, didn't go to the gym like I used to, I binged frequently, and did everything I shouldn't do as far as my eating habits. My body has certainly paid the price. No longer am I wearing my size 8's; I am barely squeezing in to my size 12's. In fact, I've even stolen 2 pairs of khakis from my husband's closet just to have a "uniform" to wear to work.

I expect to go through highs and lows during my healthy lifestyle journey, but I didn't expect a low to last this long. All I have to say is, I'm glad I'm finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I would be so jealous seeing my fellow healthy lifestylers post about their many successes that I almost "hid" them from my Facebook newsfeed, but I'm glad I didn't because it finally kicked in that I need to stop viewing myself as a victim, and get back on the Healthy Lifestyle Bandwagon.

Several weeks ago, I made a half-hearted attempt to go back to my Weight Watchers meeting only to find that the location had closed. I texted a fellow meeting member and discovered they had simply relocated. I had a good cry with my leader, but nothing seemed to stick over the next several weeks while I continued to binge. Not sure what the "turnaround point" was, but I'm just glad I'm out of the woods.

In November, I had gotten down to my lowest weight thus far, in fact, my lowest in about 20 years, and it scared me. I was so close to my goal weight that I totally freaked out. Not sure what it is in my brain that causes me to do that, but it's not the first time. I was so excited that my Weight Watchers leader suggested that I think about "working" for them once I reach my goal weight (which was less than 10 lbs. away) ... I don't know ... it excited me, yet scared the bejeebers out of me and I fell victim to my eating disorders.

It would've been so easy to stop what I was doing--the binging, the unhealthy eating, the skipping the gym, etc.--but I just went with the bad flow and let it take me to lows that I've never experienced before. While chatting with my running partner Lisa about 2 months ago, after blaming everyone and everything else for my failures for the last several months, she said, "Hear me from my heart, because you know I love you, but it sounds like you are comfortable being the victim."

Ouch, that hurt, but it was the wake-up call that I desperately needed to hear.

Granted, it didn't get me on the right track right away, but that's not to say that her words didn't keep playing over and over inside my head.

I tried reading "Made to Crave," "When You Eat at the Refrigerator, Pull Up a Chair," and other self-help/diet books. I tried posting my "before" picture on the fridge, along with mini pep-talks written on it. I bought a humorous but sincere magnet and stuck it to the fridge as a daily reminder of how badly I needed to get back on track. Nothing was helping me get to that 180-point to back on track.

However, two curious things happened that I think may have been instrumental in my turnaround. The first was a message posted on author and motivational speaker Kevin Knebl's Facebook page, which I wrote directly onto my fridge, along with his trademark smile symbol. The other was a posting by longtime family friend, and the person with whom I'm aspiring to run a marathon in Vermont later this year, Lisa Grace Stoudt.

Seeing Kevin's posting on my fridge every day, several times a day, started to sink in. Lisa's picture, from the "Queen of Your Own Life" page, also started to have an effect on me. I printed out several copies and posted it in various places: on my fridge, on my front door, on my bathroom window, I set a copy in the passenger seat of my car, taped it on the wall next to my bed, and even saved it as wallpaper on my laptop.

It started to work.

Here is the amusing magnet I bought to cheer me up:

Here is Kevin's message:

Here is the "Queenism" I got from Lisa's Facebook wall:

And here is my never-before-released, Biggest-Loser-style "before" picture, complete with pep-talks (don't judge!):

So, the good news is, all of these little reminders slowly began to chip away at my stubbornness and victim mentality. I went to my Weight Watchers meeting on Thursday, where I weighed in at around 172. Yuck! But the good news is, I ran a 5K this morning, even with a chest cold! And yes, I ran the entire way! It felt really good.

Mentally, I can feel that something has changed in the last several days. I have more clarity, I have determination, I have belief/faith in myself that I will get through this. Additionally, it helps that I set another running goal and registered for the St. Patrick's 5K and have 3 confirmed running partners going with me (Hooray to Colleen Keller, Kim Phillips, and Crystal White!!!).

There is so much to be said about accountability, support from friends, and goal setting, but that will be another blog entry. For now, I'm happy that I've gotten back on track, I've had a change of heart/mind, and that I ran for the first time in weeks.

Stay tuned, I hope to have good news on Thursday after my Weight Watchers Weigh In.

Teen Boys and Sex

I have a Zits comic strip in my collection of favorites where Jeremy's mom reads a statistic about teenage boys thinking about sex several hundred times a day. Mom is aghast that it's that often; Jeremy thinks the number is low. Whatever the number is, as a food addict and compulsive overeater, the thought of food enters my brain at least twice that rate daily. Easily.


To counteract those thoughts, I've been trying to focus on all my accomplishments over the last year or two:


Joined Weight Watchers in April 2010.
Began running for the first time in February 2011.
Ran my first 5K in March 2011.
Ran my first 10K in May 2011.
Ran my first 5Miler in June 2011.
Ran my first 10Miler in July 2011.
Ran my first Half Marathon in September 2011.
Ran my second Half Marathon in October 2011.
Hiked Pikes Peak in 7 hours (13 miles) in August 2011.
Hiked to the highest point of Great Sand Dunes National Park in July 2011 (I was unable to climb 1/4 of it 10 years earlier).
Earned my 85-lb. sticker from Weight Watchers.
Went from 237 lbs. to 141 lbs. (that's 96 lbs.!), my lowest weight in 20+ years.
Went from a size 26 to a size 8. I don't ever remember buying size 8 clothes before.


But a strange thing happened in October. After the half marathon, I took a break from running and the rest of my entire self fell to pieces. The weather turned too cold, and 5 a.m. was too early to get out of bed. I fell into a depression so I "begged off" from running with my running partner, too ashamed to admit that the world felt like it was closing in around me. I was falling behind on all my bills, my husband and I were fighting a lot until we finally separated. Divorce was imminent. The behinder I got on my finances, the more depressed I got. I got a promotion at work, which meant higher pay and more hours, but then I didn't have time to do what I loved: painting and writing. With those two loves "taken away," I felt even more joyless. Halloween approached and chocolate started appearing at work, so I helped myself. Then Thanksgiving, then Christmas, and then "overnight," I had gained 15 lbs.! I tried getting back to the gym, but with the long hours at work, I could barely drag myself out of bed. I was always so tired! My running partner and I tried to get back into the swing of things, but one thing after another prevented us from hitting the trails.


Blah, blah, blah. So goes the mind of a food addict. All I can think about is when my next meal will be. Do I have enough change in my wallet to get a candy bar? Someone has brought in homemade cookies again, if I take 6, will anyone notice? I'll get back on program tomorrow. I'll go to the gym tomorrow. I'll run 5 miles tomorrow. The day after next. Next week. Forget it! I don't want to run anymore! Just cancel my gym membership! Just cancel my Weight Watchers membership! I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE!!!


UUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!


After weighing 200+ lbs. for most of my adult life, getting down to 160 felt incredible! It was amazing how SKINNY I looked and felt! But after being within ounces of 140, now that I'm almost back to 160, I feel like a whale again! I'm disgusted and disheartened and disappointed in myself. I had to drag my size 12s and 14s back out, and I HATE IT! So if I hate it so much, why can't I manage to do something about it?


Several days ago, I wrote on my bathroom mirror, "What's it gonna' take for you to SNAP OUT OF IT?", thinking it would help me get back on track. It has only succeeded in me sticking my tongue out at it, and hence, at myself.


There are so many success stories on blogs, Facebook, Dr. Oz, etc., about all these people who have successfully lost weight and kept it off, but what about the people who have lost some weight, but then get sucked back into their food obsession and can't seem to claw their way out? Sure, Overeaters Anonymous helped to an extent, but what I DON'T need right now is sitting in a circle where everyone is having a pity party, but no one is offering me any solutions. I get even more depressed hearing about everyone else's addictions. I mean, I have enough trouble dealing with my OWN, I don't need to hear about 20 others, especially when it's only going to trigger mine!


Hi, my name is Stephanie and I'm a food addict and compulsive overeater.


Or, if you prefer the Celebrate Recovery version:


Hi, my name is Stephanie. I'm a Christian who struggles with food addiction and compulsive overeating.


No matter how you sugarcoat it, it's taking control of my brain and I can't seem to break free. Prayer isn't helping. Confessing to friends isn't helping. Posting veiled statuses on Facebook isn't helping. I'm tired of the devil and angel creatures on my shoulders bickering back and forth! Will someone PLEASE MAKE THEM STOP!


So get this: If a drug addict goes to rehab and never takes another drug in his life, he lives. If an alcoholic never drinks another drop of liquor in her life, she lives. If a nicotine addict stops smoking, not only does he live, but he also may prolong his life. If a sex addict stops viewing porn, he lives. If a gambler stops gambling, not only does he live, but he also saves a lot of money! But if a food addict stops eating, she dies. That's why overcoming a food addiction is the HARDEST, because you can't just give up food completely! You have to maintain it, and there's a very fine line between maintaining and obsessing.


Well ... for ME, there is.

Can anyone else out there relate?


Maybe seeing a counselor who specializes in food addictions will help. But if I can't pay my bills as it is (because I'm spending all my money on food, go figure!), how am I supposed to pay for counseling? Hmm, maybe I can find someone who is willing to barter: their counseling services for a mural perhaps? But where will I find the time to "pay" with my services if I'm working all the time? I can't even seem to fulfill my housecleaning obligation to my one client.


So what happens now? I keep trying to climb back on the diet bandwagon and fake it till I make it, but the "devil" keeps winning out: "Just one more ice cream bar"; "Four more cookies won't make that big of a difference"; "What's an extra tablespoon of peanut butter in your smoothie going to hurt?"; "It doesn't count if no one SEES you eating it!"; and so on, and so on ....


I need to check myself into rehab or something, because I can't seem to snap out of it. Free rehab, I might add. How can I throw away all my success? I can't figure it out either, to tell you the truth. That's what happens with a food addict. Food is my drug of choice, and just like a crack addict, I'll do anything and everything to get it. Overdraw my account, spend my mortgage money on food, hide the ice cream wrappers from my husband, you name it, I've done it.


Only people who suffer from an addiction can truly understand what I'm going through. I don't necessarily want sympathy, I need solutions. I'm so over-filled with negative self-talk right now that I can't hear anything positive about myself: "Think about all you've accomplished so far! Do you want to throw that all away?" "You've lost almost 100 lbs.! You can do it!" "What's so hard about just saying 'no'?"


Believe me, I've tried to psych myself back onto the bandwagon, to no avail. I need a miracle. A really big one. One that won't involve any shame. Is that possible? Because unlike teen boys and sex, I have much better things to think about than food all day long.


Any suggestions?