A Long Time Coming

So much has happened over the last several months as far as my healthy lifestyle goes that I don't know where to begin for today's entry.

First, let me get off my chest that I allowed my food addiction/compulsive overeating to take over so completely that I gained almost 30 lbs. over the last several months. I quit running, didn't go to the gym like I used to, I binged frequently, and did everything I shouldn't do as far as my eating habits. My body has certainly paid the price. No longer am I wearing my size 8's; I am barely squeezing in to my size 12's. In fact, I've even stolen 2 pairs of khakis from my husband's closet just to have a "uniform" to wear to work.

I expect to go through highs and lows during my healthy lifestyle journey, but I didn't expect a low to last this long. All I have to say is, I'm glad I'm finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I would be so jealous seeing my fellow healthy lifestylers post about their many successes that I almost "hid" them from my Facebook newsfeed, but I'm glad I didn't because it finally kicked in that I need to stop viewing myself as a victim, and get back on the Healthy Lifestyle Bandwagon.

Several weeks ago, I made a half-hearted attempt to go back to my Weight Watchers meeting only to find that the location had closed. I texted a fellow meeting member and discovered they had simply relocated. I had a good cry with my leader, but nothing seemed to stick over the next several weeks while I continued to binge. Not sure what the "turnaround point" was, but I'm just glad I'm out of the woods.

In November, I had gotten down to my lowest weight thus far, in fact, my lowest in about 20 years, and it scared me. I was so close to my goal weight that I totally freaked out. Not sure what it is in my brain that causes me to do that, but it's not the first time. I was so excited that my Weight Watchers leader suggested that I think about "working" for them once I reach my goal weight (which was less than 10 lbs. away) ... I don't know ... it excited me, yet scared the bejeebers out of me and I fell victim to my eating disorders.

It would've been so easy to stop what I was doing--the binging, the unhealthy eating, the skipping the gym, etc.--but I just went with the bad flow and let it take me to lows that I've never experienced before. While chatting with my running partner Lisa about 2 months ago, after blaming everyone and everything else for my failures for the last several months, she said, "Hear me from my heart, because you know I love you, but it sounds like you are comfortable being the victim."

Ouch, that hurt, but it was the wake-up call that I desperately needed to hear.

Granted, it didn't get me on the right track right away, but that's not to say that her words didn't keep playing over and over inside my head.

I tried reading "Made to Crave," "When You Eat at the Refrigerator, Pull Up a Chair," and other self-help/diet books. I tried posting my "before" picture on the fridge, along with mini pep-talks written on it. I bought a humorous but sincere magnet and stuck it to the fridge as a daily reminder of how badly I needed to get back on track. Nothing was helping me get to that 180-point to back on track.

However, two curious things happened that I think may have been instrumental in my turnaround. The first was a message posted on author and motivational speaker Kevin Knebl's Facebook page, which I wrote directly onto my fridge, along with his trademark smile symbol. The other was a posting by longtime family friend, and the person with whom I'm aspiring to run a marathon in Vermont later this year, Lisa Grace Stoudt.

Seeing Kevin's posting on my fridge every day, several times a day, started to sink in. Lisa's picture, from the "Queen of Your Own Life" page, also started to have an effect on me. I printed out several copies and posted it in various places: on my fridge, on my front door, on my bathroom window, I set a copy in the passenger seat of my car, taped it on the wall next to my bed, and even saved it as wallpaper on my laptop.

It started to work.

Here is the amusing magnet I bought to cheer me up:

Here is Kevin's message:

Here is the "Queenism" I got from Lisa's Facebook wall:

And here is my never-before-released, Biggest-Loser-style "before" picture, complete with pep-talks (don't judge!):

So, the good news is, all of these little reminders slowly began to chip away at my stubbornness and victim mentality. I went to my Weight Watchers meeting on Thursday, where I weighed in at around 172. Yuck! But the good news is, I ran a 5K this morning, even with a chest cold! And yes, I ran the entire way! It felt really good.

Mentally, I can feel that something has changed in the last several days. I have more clarity, I have determination, I have belief/faith in myself that I will get through this. Additionally, it helps that I set another running goal and registered for the St. Patrick's 5K and have 3 confirmed running partners going with me (Hooray to Colleen Keller, Kim Phillips, and Crystal White!!!).

There is so much to be said about accountability, support from friends, and goal setting, but that will be another blog entry. For now, I'm happy that I've gotten back on track, I've had a change of heart/mind, and that I ran for the first time in weeks.

Stay tuned, I hope to have good news on Thursday after my Weight Watchers Weigh In.