Teen Boys and Sex

I have a Zits comic strip in my collection of favorites where Jeremy's mom reads a statistic about teenage boys thinking about sex several hundred times a day. Mom is aghast that it's that often; Jeremy thinks the number is low. Whatever the number is, as a food addict and compulsive overeater, the thought of food enters my brain at least twice that rate daily. Easily.


To counteract those thoughts, I've been trying to focus on all my accomplishments over the last year or two:


Joined Weight Watchers in April 2010.
Began running for the first time in February 2011.
Ran my first 5K in March 2011.
Ran my first 10K in May 2011.
Ran my first 5Miler in June 2011.
Ran my first 10Miler in July 2011.
Ran my first Half Marathon in September 2011.
Ran my second Half Marathon in October 2011.
Hiked Pikes Peak in 7 hours (13 miles) in August 2011.
Hiked to the highest point of Great Sand Dunes National Park in July 2011 (I was unable to climb 1/4 of it 10 years earlier).
Earned my 85-lb. sticker from Weight Watchers.
Went from 237 lbs. to 141 lbs. (that's 96 lbs.!), my lowest weight in 20+ years.
Went from a size 26 to a size 8. I don't ever remember buying size 8 clothes before.


But a strange thing happened in October. After the half marathon, I took a break from running and the rest of my entire self fell to pieces. The weather turned too cold, and 5 a.m. was too early to get out of bed. I fell into a depression so I "begged off" from running with my running partner, too ashamed to admit that the world felt like it was closing in around me. I was falling behind on all my bills, my husband and I were fighting a lot until we finally separated. Divorce was imminent. The behinder I got on my finances, the more depressed I got. I got a promotion at work, which meant higher pay and more hours, but then I didn't have time to do what I loved: painting and writing. With those two loves "taken away," I felt even more joyless. Halloween approached and chocolate started appearing at work, so I helped myself. Then Thanksgiving, then Christmas, and then "overnight," I had gained 15 lbs.! I tried getting back to the gym, but with the long hours at work, I could barely drag myself out of bed. I was always so tired! My running partner and I tried to get back into the swing of things, but one thing after another prevented us from hitting the trails.


Blah, blah, blah. So goes the mind of a food addict. All I can think about is when my next meal will be. Do I have enough change in my wallet to get a candy bar? Someone has brought in homemade cookies again, if I take 6, will anyone notice? I'll get back on program tomorrow. I'll go to the gym tomorrow. I'll run 5 miles tomorrow. The day after next. Next week. Forget it! I don't want to run anymore! Just cancel my gym membership! Just cancel my Weight Watchers membership! I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE!!!


UUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!


After weighing 200+ lbs. for most of my adult life, getting down to 160 felt incredible! It was amazing how SKINNY I looked and felt! But after being within ounces of 140, now that I'm almost back to 160, I feel like a whale again! I'm disgusted and disheartened and disappointed in myself. I had to drag my size 12s and 14s back out, and I HATE IT! So if I hate it so much, why can't I manage to do something about it?


Several days ago, I wrote on my bathroom mirror, "What's it gonna' take for you to SNAP OUT OF IT?", thinking it would help me get back on track. It has only succeeded in me sticking my tongue out at it, and hence, at myself.


There are so many success stories on blogs, Facebook, Dr. Oz, etc., about all these people who have successfully lost weight and kept it off, but what about the people who have lost some weight, but then get sucked back into their food obsession and can't seem to claw their way out? Sure, Overeaters Anonymous helped to an extent, but what I DON'T need right now is sitting in a circle where everyone is having a pity party, but no one is offering me any solutions. I get even more depressed hearing about everyone else's addictions. I mean, I have enough trouble dealing with my OWN, I don't need to hear about 20 others, especially when it's only going to trigger mine!


Hi, my name is Stephanie and I'm a food addict and compulsive overeater.


Or, if you prefer the Celebrate Recovery version:


Hi, my name is Stephanie. I'm a Christian who struggles with food addiction and compulsive overeating.


No matter how you sugarcoat it, it's taking control of my brain and I can't seem to break free. Prayer isn't helping. Confessing to friends isn't helping. Posting veiled statuses on Facebook isn't helping. I'm tired of the devil and angel creatures on my shoulders bickering back and forth! Will someone PLEASE MAKE THEM STOP!


So get this: If a drug addict goes to rehab and never takes another drug in his life, he lives. If an alcoholic never drinks another drop of liquor in her life, she lives. If a nicotine addict stops smoking, not only does he live, but he also may prolong his life. If a sex addict stops viewing porn, he lives. If a gambler stops gambling, not only does he live, but he also saves a lot of money! But if a food addict stops eating, she dies. That's why overcoming a food addiction is the HARDEST, because you can't just give up food completely! You have to maintain it, and there's a very fine line between maintaining and obsessing.


Well ... for ME, there is.

Can anyone else out there relate?


Maybe seeing a counselor who specializes in food addictions will help. But if I can't pay my bills as it is (because I'm spending all my money on food, go figure!), how am I supposed to pay for counseling? Hmm, maybe I can find someone who is willing to barter: their counseling services for a mural perhaps? But where will I find the time to "pay" with my services if I'm working all the time? I can't even seem to fulfill my housecleaning obligation to my one client.


So what happens now? I keep trying to climb back on the diet bandwagon and fake it till I make it, but the "devil" keeps winning out: "Just one more ice cream bar"; "Four more cookies won't make that big of a difference"; "What's an extra tablespoon of peanut butter in your smoothie going to hurt?"; "It doesn't count if no one SEES you eating it!"; and so on, and so on ....


I need to check myself into rehab or something, because I can't seem to snap out of it. Free rehab, I might add. How can I throw away all my success? I can't figure it out either, to tell you the truth. That's what happens with a food addict. Food is my drug of choice, and just like a crack addict, I'll do anything and everything to get it. Overdraw my account, spend my mortgage money on food, hide the ice cream wrappers from my husband, you name it, I've done it.


Only people who suffer from an addiction can truly understand what I'm going through. I don't necessarily want sympathy, I need solutions. I'm so over-filled with negative self-talk right now that I can't hear anything positive about myself: "Think about all you've accomplished so far! Do you want to throw that all away?" "You've lost almost 100 lbs.! You can do it!" "What's so hard about just saying 'no'?"


Believe me, I've tried to psych myself back onto the bandwagon, to no avail. I need a miracle. A really big one. One that won't involve any shame. Is that possible? Because unlike teen boys and sex, I have much better things to think about than food all day long.


Any suggestions?